You Were an Eagle

You are able to rise above the details of life and see the big picture. A spiritual being, you tend to go beyond material concerns.

What Animal Were You In a Past Life?

You Are Bart Simpson

Very misunderstood, most people just dismiss you as "trouble." Little do they know that you're wise and well accomplished beyond your years. You will be remembered for: starring in your own TV show and saving the town from a comet Your life philosophy: "I don't know why I did it, I don't know why I enjoyed it, and I don't know why I'll do it again!"

The Simpsons Personality Test

Gas Saving

WITH FUEL COST ON THE RISE AMERICANS ARE LOOKING TO OTHER COUNTRIES TO HELP WITH ALTERNATIVE FUEL DEVELOPMENT.

Can we keep the cute Kittens?! Can We Huh?!

NOW THIS IS SAD

HERE I AM BUYING SOME TUNES FROM ITUNES AND I REALIZED THAT I AM BUYING MUSIC FROM MY TEENAGE YEARS. ONLY ONE NEW TUNE FROM MY OLD SCHOOL CHUMS BAND SPARTA. HOLY CRAP AM I FINALLY BECOMING MY FATHER? THIS IS AN EMERGENCY, I NEED BEER, YAGER, AND TEQUILA NOW!!!
OH WAIT I AM GETTING A PROSTATE EXAM TOMORROW. NEVERMIND NO BOOZE FOR 24 HRS.

The River of Life

Some say the river of life is golden. I say I just peed in there and think I have some sort of infection or something. HA HA. I NEED SOME CREAM!! OH THE BURNING!

Today Sucked

My workout blew dead goats today. I just wasn't into it, plus my head was starting to hurt. I pushed through it anyway. I saw a documentary earlier in the week about a guy that weighed over 700lbs. Sadly he died in a hospital bed not able to move because of his weight. I don't want to end up like that so I pushed myself today. I sometimes just want to say f*ck it and go eat a large pizza, but I know I can't. Not till I loose another 50 lbs anyway.

Ok I think I'm BAck

Well I have not posted in awhile, just got busy with life. Since my last posting I weight 278lbs. Well I finally realized that I needed to lose weight. So I got a nutritionist and I began exercising. I now weigh 257lbs and counting. So I will try and start posing again as soon as possible. Peace Out .

SOME COOL PICS I TOOK

?? Which Of The Greek Gods Are You ??

Nemesis
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Global Personality Test Results

Stability (80%) high which suggests you are very relaxed, calm, secure, and optimistic.. Orderliness (73%) high which suggests you are overly organized, reliable, neat, and hard working at the expense too often of flexibility, efficiency, spontaneity, and fun. Extraversion (40%) moderately low which suggests you are reclusive, quiet, unassertive, and secretive.

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Ok update

Well I started this weight loss thang and i was doing really well until we had a death in the family. As always I let that interfere with my diet and workouts. I am the kinda guy that likes to have a schedule and when the schedule is interupted I give up. Now I have not given up totally yet but another event really screwed me up. After the funeral and all the family had gottn on thier planes ans returned home my wife any stopped by wendys on the way home. I got a cheesburger, now this was my cheat burger for the week, and we went home. That night I woke up at 3 and had a let's say an episode. Well went back to bed and woke up at 5 to go work out. After being up for about ten minutes it started. Evacuations of both ends! It lasted all damn day!

ARGG when will I get a break?

It's been a while

Ok I have been away for a little bit but I hope to get back to posting daily.

D'OH

A man called home to his wife and said, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box? We're leaving from the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up" "Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas." The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish? He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish .But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"
The wife replied, "I did. They're in your fishing box."

A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened. "Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around, noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it-- stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt." "That's when I made my big mistake." "What did you do?" asks the doctor. "Well, I lifted the cow's tail again and yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!" "I don't remember much after that!"

You Are 76% Open Minded

You are so open minded that your brain may have fallen out! Well, not really. But you may be confused on where you stand. You don't have a judgemental bone in your body, and you're very accepting. You enjoy the best of every life philosophy, even if you sometimes contradict yourself.

How Open Minded Are You?

LENT

Today marks the beginning of lent. The time of year when we as Catholics give up something until Easter. In the past I have given up candy, gum, certain foods and other things. This year I didn't give up anything. My wife is giving up soda, some of my friends are giving up coffee especially from starbucks. Time and time again people asked me what I was giving up. Well I answered I already gave it up. I gave up smoking on new years eve. I have been smoke free ever since. Now do you think I should still give something up? Ya know quitting smoking with no help like the patch or nicotine gum was a bitch trust me.

EARTH!


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Ha HA!

A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce."

The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph.

She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a much better lover than you."

Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as his anger increases.

She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph.

She says, "I want the kids, too."

The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, now he's up to 80 mph.

She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards, too."

The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything you want?"

The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need."

She asks, "What's that?"

The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, "I've got
the airbag!"

Joke 2
A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.

After 21 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again.

The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender still shakes his head in dismay. Swoooop! Two arms pops out! The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender ignores the whole affair.

By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left... then to the right... right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says... "He should have quit while he was a head!"

CHINESE SICK LEAVE -- "I NOT COME WORK TODAY!

Hung Chow calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt. I not come to work."
The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex. That makes everything better and I can go to work. You try that."
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house.

BACK TO IT

Ok so I have been sick for awhile and I seem to be over it. The doc said it's ok to resume my workouts even though I an still on antibiotics. So tonight I plan to start working out again.

Then again I may sit home eat Cheetos and watch porn!

HA HAAA!

This guy was lonely, and decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede which came in a little white box to use for his house.
He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a beer or two. So he asked the pet, "Would you like to go to Sam's with me and have a beer?"
But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?"
But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Sam's place and have a drink with me?"
A little voice came out of the box: "I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my shoes."

I KNEW IT!

As soon as I got my workouts in line, my diets was going good, and I was really getting pumped. I went and got SICK!! ARRg this is so frustrating. I got sick over the Christmas holidays and I thought that was it. I usually get sick only once a year. I started to feel it on Saturday and Sunday it really nailed me. So I have a call in to the diggy diggy dox to see if he can call something in for me. My boss is sick too, I guess we caught it here.

Star at the cross in the middle and see what happens!

Respect my authoriti

Which South Park kid are you most like? Cartman You are just plain evil and heartless. Though you're sly, and you come up with brilliant schemes, you're pretty dumb and close minded. Other people hate you... screw them!

Click Here to Take This Quiz Brought to you by YouThink.com quizzes and personality tests.

Sounds like my family

An unmarried woman is newly pregnant and gets into an auto accident. She suffers a head injury and lapses into a coma for nine months. When she awakens in the hospital, she panics and asks about her baby.
Her doctor is called in and gives her a mild sedative, then he sits down to answer her questions. "I'm so happy to see you recovering", he says. The woman responds, "Thank you doctor, but what about my baby? Is everything all right?" He replies, "Yes, despite your injury, we were able to perform a fairly normal delivery procedure."
"In fact," he goes on, "you've given birth to twins - a boy and a girl". The woman is very happy and asks when she can see her new babies. The doctor replies, "Right away, but we've already sent the infants home with your brother. We'll call and tell him you're okay. While you were unconscious, your brother took care of everything for you. He even gave the babies names."
At this point, the woman gets upset, "Doctor, my brother is an idiot! What name did he give my little girl?" The doctor answered that her name was Denise. "Oh, Denise, that's not so bad. What name did he give my boy?" The doctor answered, "Denephew".

Working on it!

Ok just 6 freakin' years ago I was 190lbs. Now I weight 278lbs. Anybody else think that maybe it's time I get my ass to the gym? Well I have been, working out almost everyday. I try to rest 1 day a week. Hopefully in a few months I will have only one chin not 2. Any got any good recipes and or snack or workout ideas, please share them. I would greatly appreciate it!

Been Away

Ok so I've been away for a while and well nothing much has really changed. I may stop blogging all together. who reads this anyway.

Here's a question.

Where is the strangest place you've ever had sex?

Only in El Chuco

Investigation into plane mechanic's death continuesTammy Fonce-OlivasEl Paso TimesTuesday, January 17, 2006Federal aviation experts and local police today will continue to investigate how an airplane mechanic was sucked into a plane's jet engine and killed Monday in what officials said is a rare occurrence that stunned passengers and employees at El Paso International Airport.The mechanic, whose name was withheld until relatives could be notified, had been working on the plane about 9 a.m. when he was suddenly pulled into the jet engine of a Continental Airlines Boeing 737 bound for Houston."It was a Boeing 737 and it was doing an engine run up for a maintenance problem and a person was sucked into the engine," said Roland Herwig, a spokesman for the Federal Aviation Administration in Oklahoma City.Herwig referred further inquiries to the office of the National Transportation Safety Board in Denver. Officials would not say what kind of maintenance was being performed on the plane.NTSB officials in Denver and Washington, D.C., did not respond, but local airport officials said the federal agency is investigating the death and is sending a team to El Paso.


Martin DeLeon, a Continental Airlines spokesman from Houston who flew to El Paso after learning about the fatality, said the victim worked for one of Continental's suppliers. DeLeon said he did not know the names of the victim or the supplier company.Continental Airlines Chairman and CEO Larry Kellner issued the following statement after learning of the death:"My fellow co-workers and I extend our heartfelt sympathies to the family and friends of the mechanic involved in this tragic event. Continental is coordinating assistance for passengers who need help dealing with this tragedy. Continental's Employee Assistance Program (EAP) team is also flying to El Paso to meet with employees."DeLeon said he did not know if other Continental flights were delayed because of the incident. He also said it was unknown Monday if the airline will alter its safety procedures."Right now, it's still kind of too early to tell since this incident occurred just a few hours ago," DeLeon said. "Our main focus right now is just working with the families (of the victim and passengers) and of course working with local and federal authorities on the investigation."DeLeon said the airline brought a special team to El Paso to help people cope with the incident, find flights and offer whatever services were needed.The plane, which carried 114 passengers and five crew members, was at the gate boarding passengers when the incident occurred.Many of the passengers, who gathered at the Continental Airlines counter after they deplaned, declined to comment because they were overwhelmed by what had just occurred. Many of the passengers were interested in finding out what happened, where their luggage was and how they could book another flight.El Pasoan Patsy Yturralde, who was going to Houston, said she and other passengers were told to leave the plane because "somebody got hurt."She said she didn't see the incident, but quickly caught on to what had happened."It's a sad situation. I feel bad for his family," she said.El Pasoan Carlos Saucedo, who was headed to Atlanta through Houston, said he heard some kind of thump after he boarded the airplane. He said he didn't know what it was."It made the plane shake a bit," he said.Almost immediately after that occurred, passengers were asked to deplane, he said.Pat Abeln, director of aviation for the airport, said airport employees were saddened by the death. There was "a very small number of employees" who witnessed what happened. These employees are being offered support through the airport's employees assistance program, he said."It's had a tough impact on our employees," Abeln said. "In terms of operations and in terms of overall air safety our operations have been fine."Abeln said incidents leading to injuries or deaths of airport employees are "pretty uncommon" at the El Paso airport and at airports worldwide.Abeln couldn't immediately say how many injuries have been reported at the airport this year or in recent years. But he did say Monday's fatality may possibly be the first of its kind at the airport."I cannot recall another incident like this," said Abeln, who has been at the helm of the airport since 1999.Airport employees working Monday could be seen and heard talking about the fatality among themselves, but they declined to make comments when asked.

Had a great birthday

My wife is wonderful, eventhough she was still hurting from surgery she took me out to a great dinner and bought me some tunes for my ipod and other things I wanted. Thanks Hunny!

My cousin took this. Pretty cool huh.

Hot under the collar!

It 80 degrees......IN JANUARY. Now yes we do have mild winters here in Texas but C'mon. Is this the coming of the new Ice Age that the scientist predicted? Is this the end of the world? Or is God messing around with the thermostat ?

HOOK 'EM HORNS!

WHAT A BITCHEN' GAME!

CONGRATULATIONS LONGHORNS!!

NEW YEAR!!

Well with the new year comes the new years resolution of course. How many of you have broken them already? I know I have been tempted but I have not broken it yet. I have decided that I have to quit smoking, so I told my wife that for the next few weeks I may be a little irritable. SO FUCKING BACK OFF. Whew sorry didn't mean to do that. Also I am going to loose weight, SO DON'T CALL ME FAT BASTARD ANYMORE. Excuse me I am going to get some water, IS THAT OKAY WITH YOU!

oh poo

An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying there a few minutes the old man farts and says,"Seven Points."His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"The old man replied, "It's fart football!"A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says - "Touchdown, tie score!"After about five minutes the old man farts again and says - "Touchdown, I'm ahead 14 to 7!"Not to be outdone the wife rips another one and says, - "Touchdown, tie score!" Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says - "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14!"Now the pressures on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he strains real hard but to no avail. Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he has but instead of farting he poops the bed.The wife looks and says, "What the heck was that?"The old man replied, "Half-time, switch sides!"

Guessing time

Let's see if anybody can guess as to what this is.

Back From Mom's House

Well we are back from mom's house and as I get older I am appreciating going home more. Especially since I lost some of my family members. Here is a pic of my journey, above is a church in Messilla New Mexico. Perrrty HUH.

The only problem this year was that it was 80 degrees. Now I didn't want a blizzard or anything, but C'mon 80 degrees?

Casa De Fong

Ok so we didn't do much this year. to tell the truth I didn't want to climb the ladder to get the lights on the roof. Next year I will do a better job.

Snowman Funeral

Winter Wonderland

Perrty Huh my Cousin took this pic

UH OK!!

Hey Dick!

Last night as I was doing some Christmas shopping I noticed something. It happens every year. In almost every store. I was being tailed by the house dick! Now I know I am a big stocky Hispanic looking Chinese guy (don't ask) but come on! And maybe these stores should hire people who are not dumb asses. Pretend you are looking at women's clothes for you wife. Hell I was there shopping for my wife. And here is a tip, stay more than 20 feet away from me at all times and quit making eye contact! Wait, maybe he was looking for a nice guy for a date.

Ok now we start all over

Since I jacked up my blog I will have to start anew. So have some patients while I work on this.

this is jacked

I don't know how my blog got all jacked up. S I may just blow this up and start a new one. Details to come.

this is jacked

I don't know how my blog got all jacked up. S I may just blow this up and start a new one. Deatails to come.

Christmas time in Texas

This time of year is busy for me which is why I have not posted for awhile. But I will try and do better. Christmas lights like these make me love this time of year. To see some great decorated house check out this site. http://www.planetchristmas.com/

Tough Times

With work being scarce on Sesame Street the neighborhood had to resort on having one of their own for Thanksgiving. It was a big wishbone too!

Guilty of sex with student, teacher avoids prison

Attorney abandons insanity defense in plea deal for 'tired' client
(CNN) -- In a last-minute effort to keep herself out of prison, a 25-year-old middle school teacher pleaded guilty Tuesday to having sex with a 14-year-old. Debra Lafave, a former remedial reading teacher at Greco Middle School in Temple Terrace, Florida, pleaded guilty to two counts of lewd and lascivious behavior, and was sentenced to three years of house arrest followed by seven years probation. She also must register as a sex offender.
She could have faced up to 15 years for each count filed in Hillsborough County. She also could have been charged in Marion County, because one of the incidents happened there.
"I want to apologize to the court, to the young man involved and to his family for my actions," Lafave said. "I accept full responsibility for my actions, and I am very sorry for everything which has occurred."
A 14-year-old boy told investigators he had sex with Lafave three times in four days in June 2004, according to court documents. One of those times was in a car while his 15-year-old cousin drove them around, he told authorities.
He also said she performed oral sex on him multiple times, including once at her home, the documents said.
Defense attorney John Fitzgibbons said he began negotiating the plea deal Monday after he deposed the boy's cousin.
"We believe that this was a very fair resolution of this case," Fitzgibbons said, adding that Lafave avoided prison time with the plea and will be allowed to continue her mental health treatment.
"Very importantly, it allows the young man involved here to go on with his life, just as Debbie can go on with her life," he said. "He does not have to participate in a trial or deposition."
Fitzgibbons had originally planned an insanity defense, saying earlier this year that Lafave had "some profound emotional issues" and that "once anyone reads what the doctors have to say, they will understand a lot more."
Asked how she felt after the plea deal was announced, Lafave said only, "Tired."
It was a change of heart by the boy's parents that made the plea deal possible. At first, they had insisted that Lafave serve at least three years in prison, but they recently relented, allowing prosecutors to strike the deal before the trial began.
"Because of the media coverage of these cases, I fear that proceeding to trial will negatively affect my son's emotional and psychological well-being," the boy's mother said in an affidavit filed in Hillsborough County on Tuesday.
She added that her son did not want to testify and merely "wants to resume his life in as normal a manner as possible."

OK NOW HERE'S A QUESTION. THIS IS MOSTLY FOR THE GUYS. WOULD YOU BE MAD AT YOUR SON FOR HAVING SEX WITH A WOMEN THAT LOOKS LIKE THAT?

'Ugly dog' Sam dies at 14

SANTA BARBARA, California (AP) -- Sam, the dog whose ugliness earned him TV appearances, limousine rides and even a meeting with millionaire Donald Trump, has died, the Santa Barbara News-Press reported Tuesday.
The pooch with the hairless body, crooked teeth and sparse tuft of hair atop his knobby head died Friday, just short of his 15th birthday, said his owner, Susie Lockheed.
"I don't think there'll ever be another Sam," she said, adding wryly, "Some people would think that's a good thing."
Sam became an international celebrity after winning the ugliest animal contest at the 2003 Sonoma-Marin Fair in California -- a victory he twice repeated. The purebred Chinese crested hairless made appearances on TV in Japan, radio in New Zealand and in Britain's Daily Mirror tabloid, stayed in luxury hotels and met Trump on a talk show set.
Lockheed marketed his visage on T-shirts, a calendar and even a coffee "ugly mug."
At the time of his death, Sam was scheduled to be filmed for a Discovery Channel series on the world's ugliest species.
Lockheed said she was initially terrified of Sam when she agreed to take him in as a rescue six years ago on a 48-hour trial basis. Although she fell in love with him, his appearance repulsed her then-boyfriend and prompted the man to break up with her.
Later, however, Sam became a matchmaker by bringing together Lockheed and her current beau, who saw a picture of the two on an online dating site.
Lockheed said she had Sam euthanized after a veterinarian told her Sam's heart was failing.
She said she's felt a little lost ever since, and is sleeping with Sam's favorite toy -- a stuffed bear he picked up and carried home.
"I have snuggled Sam under my blankets on my bed for six years," said Lockheed, who has three other dogs named TatorTot, TinkerBell and PixieNoodle.

Excuse me while I step out for a smoke

BRISBANE, Australia (AP) -- A French woman who is terrified of flying admitted in an Australian court Monday that she drunkenly tried to open an airplane door mid-flight to smoke a cigarette.
Sadrine Helene Sellies, 34, was placed on a good behavior bond after pleading guilty in Brisbane Magistrates Court to endangering the safety of an aircraft.
Sellies was traveling on a Cathay Pacific flight from Hong Kong to the east coast city of Brisbane on Saturday when the incident occurred at the start of a three-week Australian vacation with her husband, the court heard.
She walked toward one of the aircraft's emergency exits with an unlit cigarette and a lighter in her hand and began tampering with the door, prosecutors said. But a flight attendant intervened and took Sellies back to her seat.
Sellies was arrested and charged by police on arrival at Brisbane airport.
Defense lawyer Helen Shilton told the court Sellies was terrified of flying and had taken sleeping tablets with alcohol before takeoff.
Shilton said Sellies has no memory of what happened on the flight and that she has a history of sleepwalking.
But Magistrate Gordon Dean sternly warned the woman: "You must understand, if you are on a plane you must behave yourself."
Sellies, who did not speak in court and was aided by a translator, was placed on a 1,000 Australian dollar (US$734; euro623) bond -- meaning she will have to pay that amount if she commits another offense in the next 12 months.

Nine Things I Hate About (Nearly) Everyone



1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their butt to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually (even though often do this myself.)

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too." Of course I do! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look." Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

5. When people say while watching a movie "did you see that?" No, Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and try to figure out what that sticky stuff is on the carpeted floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!' Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, so it couldn't be new.

8. When people say "life is short." What the heck? Life is the longest thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here?

HAPPY GOATS!!

CHEEESE!!
HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY GOATS!!

Everyone knew uncle Bill was a little strange.

Dear God shoot me now!

I remember the instant when I became uncool and somewhat felt like an old man. We were at a quincinera, that a birthday celebration for a catholic girl when she reaches 15 and becomes a women. We were sitting there drinking and having fun when the DJ plays some song. All the kids screamed and jumped on to the dance floor in excitement. I looked at my wife and asked what the hell was going on, she replied with "Hell if I know". At that moment I realized that I am no longer cool and I was getting old. We all know that back in the day we would have known exactly what was happening.

That bring s me to this. Last night I was catching the last part of Jimmy Kimmel Live. Paul Anka was introduced as the musical guest, singing a new song from his new Cd "Rock Swings". He had horns, guitars and basically the whole big band feel goin on. I thought this might be cool, then I began to recognize the melody. It sounded very familiar but I just couldn't place it. Then he began to sing the lyrics. "Load up our guns, bring your friends It's fun to lose and to pretend She's overboard and self-assured I know, I know , a dirty word". Hmm I swear I have heard this before, he continued. "Hello, hello , hello how low,Hello, hello, hello,how low,Hello, hello, hello..." Oh god don't tell me, please for the sake of all that is holy don't tell me this is what I think it is. He sang "With the lights out, it's less dangerous Here we are now, entertain us I feel stupid, and contagious Here we are now , entertain us A mulatto, an albino, a mosquito, my libido,Yeah. Holy shit!!! It's smells like teen spirit from Nirvana! Paul Anka is covering the song that basically kicked off the grundge movement! Why oh why are they allowing him to do this. Now I am not by any means a Kurt Cobain worshiper, in fact when he died I said "whoa that kinda sucks" and went about my day. When they were comparing him to John Lennon I thought they were high, but still this is an anthem for many in my generation. I wanted to puke on my comforter. I think my stomach actually turned. Now I know some of you may say Tony Bennett did this a few years ago but let me say that he still has cool factor associated with him, this is fucking Paul Anka for Christ sakes. What the hell is cool about Paul Anka? He finished butchering the song and they to a commercial break. When they returned they thanked him and let him "play the show out" with his version of Bon Jovi's "It's my life". I wanted to throw a shoe at the screen. I say in retaliation we should take one of Paul Anka's hits and let Slayer redo it, see if they like it!

Nudie Mags for the blind!!

31 things I learned from watchin porn!

1. Women wear high heels to bed.

2. Men are never impotent.

3. When going down on a woman 10 seconds is more than
satisfactory.

4. If a woman gets busted masturbating by a strange
man, she will not scream with embarrassment, but rather
insist he have sex with her.

5. Women smile appreciatively when men splat them in
the face with sperm.

6. Women enjoy having sex with ugly, middle-aged men.

7. Women moan uncontrollably when giving a blowjob.

8. Women always orgasm when men do.

9. A blowjob will always get a woman off a speeding
ticket.

10. All women are noisy fucks.

11. People in the 70s couldn't fuck unless there was a
wild guitar solo in the background.
12. Those tits are real.

13. A common and enjoyable sexual practice for a man is
to take his half-erect penis and slap it repeatedly on
a woman's butt.

14. Men always groan "OH YEAH!" when they cum.

15. If there is two of them they "high five" each
other. (and the girl isn't disgusted!)

16. Double penetration makes women smile.

17. Asian men don't exist.

18. If you come across a guy and his girlfriend having
sex in the bushes, the boyfriend won't bash seven
shades of shit out of you if you shove your cock in his
girlfriend's mouth.

19. There's a plot.

20. When taking a woman from behind, a man can really
excite a woman by giving her a gentle slap on the butt.

21. Nurses suck patient's cocks.

22. Men always pull out.

23. When your girlfriend busts you getting head from
her best friend, she'll only be momentarily pissed off
before fucking the both of you.

24. Women never have headaches... or periods.

25. When a woman is sucking a man's cock, it's
important for him to remind her to "suck it".

26. Assholes are clean.

27. A man ejaculating on a woman's butt is a satisfying
result for all parties concerned.

28. Women always look pleasantly surprised when they
open a man's trousers and find a cock there.

29. Men don't have to beg.

30. When standing during a blowjob, a man will always
place one hand firmly on the back of the kneeling
woman's head and the other proudly on his hip.

31. There's nothing a woman likes more than 4 guys
slapping her face with their penises.

I went to high school with these guys!

New Rules

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years - you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you from a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain, trout? Luckily, it was only a finger! If it was a whole hand, Congress would have voted to keep it alive.

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy. Paper, plastic? I don't have time for that. I've just been called to do a cleanup on Aisle Nine!

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two packs.

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the theater a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie. This one is a real stretch. The preponderant number I have seen the last several years should never have been made into a movie or
TV series.

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese.

New Burgers!!

With the bird flu and mad cow disease, burger chains are trying something new!!

AHhh the power of cheese

EVER FART AND HAVE IT SMELL JUST LIKE CHEETOS?

THAT'S COOL!!