I think I'll just be me

Since my divorce was finalized in March, I've heard the same thing from several people: that I'm "too nice." The advice I keep getting is that I need to be more assertive, more "manly." I’m told to stop being the "nice guy," take control, and become more dominant. Apparently, in today's society, I’m considered what’s known as a "beta male."

But what does being a "beta male" even mean? According to the definition, a beta male is often seen as someone who's easygoing, patient, caring, and sensitive. Beta males might not be the loudest voice in the room or the first to take charge, but they’re often considered kind, thoughtful, and supportive—qualities that I value and embody.

On the other hand, people suggest I should adopt the traits of an "alpha male," someone who is dominant, assertive, and takes charge in relationships. An alpha male is confident, a natural leader who makes decisions decisively and is seen as the primary authority in the relationship. They’re expected to take control, exude confidence, and sometimes even dominate conversations and situations.

Here’s the thing—aren’t women supposed to want a beta male? For as long as I can remember, I’ve been told by society to be polite, to be a gentleman, to share my feelings, to show that I care. I was taught to avoid raising my voice, never to be physically aggressive, and to be in touch with my emotions. I was told that these are the qualities women want in a partner.

But now, I’m being told that my natural tendencies—being caring, patient, and kind—are somehow wrong or insufficient. I’ve held back many times, biting my tongue instead of standing firm in my convictions. And when I do try to assert myself, I’m told I’m being harsh or mean, or that I’ve hurt someone’s feelings. That feedback makes me feel like I’m doing something wrong, like I’m not being sensitive enough to the other person’s feelings.

So, I’m left wondering—how can I be an alpha male when deep down, I know that it’s not who I am? Why am I expected to act in a way that feels inauthentic to me? I don’t want to pretend to be something I’m not just to fit some societal expectation of what a man should be.

I just don’t understand why I can’t be myself. Why is it a problem to be loving, caring, calm, and collected? How are those traits a bad thing? If someone doesn’t like me for who I am, why even be in my life?

To be honest, I think the issue might be that women—at least some of them—are unsure of what they truly want. Maybe they need to figure that out before expecting men to change into something they’re not. After all, we should all strive to be authentic, not to mold ourselves into an ideal that doesn’t fit.