D'OH

A man called home to his wife and said, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box? We're leaving from the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up" "Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas." The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish? He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish .But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"
The wife replied, "I did. They're in your fishing box."

A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened. "Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around, noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it-- stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt." "That's when I made my big mistake." "What did you do?" asks the doctor. "Well, I lifted the cow's tail again and yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!" "I don't remember much after that!"

You Are 76% Open Minded

You are so open minded that your brain may have fallen out! Well, not really. But you may be confused on where you stand. You don't have a judgemental bone in your body, and you're very accepting. You enjoy the best of every life philosophy, even if you sometimes contradict yourself.

How Open Minded Are You?

LENT

Today marks the beginning of lent. The time of year when we as Catholics give up something until Easter. In the past I have given up candy, gum, certain foods and other things. This year I didn't give up anything. My wife is giving up soda, some of my friends are giving up coffee especially from starbucks. Time and time again people asked me what I was giving up. Well I answered I already gave it up. I gave up smoking on new years eve. I have been smoke free ever since. Now do you think I should still give something up? Ya know quitting smoking with no help like the patch or nicotine gum was a bitch trust me.

EARTH!


which chinese symbol are you?
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Ha HA!

A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce."

The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph.

She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a much better lover than you."

Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as his anger increases.

She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph.

She says, "I want the kids, too."

The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, now he's up to 80 mph.

She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards, too."

The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything you want?"

The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need."

She asks, "What's that?"

The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, "I've got
the airbag!"

Joke 2
A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.

After 21 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again.

The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender still shakes his head in dismay. Swoooop! Two arms pops out! The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender ignores the whole affair.

By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left... then to the right... right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says... "He should have quit while he was a head!"

CHINESE SICK LEAVE -- "I NOT COME WORK TODAY!

Hung Chow calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt. I not come to work."
The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex. That makes everything better and I can go to work. You try that."
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house.

BACK TO IT

Ok so I have been sick for awhile and I seem to be over it. The doc said it's ok to resume my workouts even though I an still on antibiotics. So tonight I plan to start working out again.

Then again I may sit home eat Cheetos and watch porn!

HA HAAA!

This guy was lonely, and decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede which came in a little white box to use for his house.
He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a beer or two. So he asked the pet, "Would you like to go to Sam's with me and have a beer?"
But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?"
But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Sam's place and have a drink with me?"
A little voice came out of the box: "I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my shoes."

I KNEW IT!

As soon as I got my workouts in line, my diets was going good, and I was really getting pumped. I went and got SICK!! ARRg this is so frustrating. I got sick over the Christmas holidays and I thought that was it. I usually get sick only once a year. I started to feel it on Saturday and Sunday it really nailed me. So I have a call in to the diggy diggy dox to see if he can call something in for me. My boss is sick too, I guess we caught it here.

Star at the cross in the middle and see what happens!

Respect my authoriti

Which South Park kid are you most like? Cartman You are just plain evil and heartless. Though you're sly, and you come up with brilliant schemes, you're pretty dumb and close minded. Other people hate you... screw them!

Click Here to Take This Quiz Brought to you by YouThink.com quizzes and personality tests.

Sounds like my family

An unmarried woman is newly pregnant and gets into an auto accident. She suffers a head injury and lapses into a coma for nine months. When she awakens in the hospital, she panics and asks about her baby.
Her doctor is called in and gives her a mild sedative, then he sits down to answer her questions. "I'm so happy to see you recovering", he says. The woman responds, "Thank you doctor, but what about my baby? Is everything all right?" He replies, "Yes, despite your injury, we were able to perform a fairly normal delivery procedure."
"In fact," he goes on, "you've given birth to twins - a boy and a girl". The woman is very happy and asks when she can see her new babies. The doctor replies, "Right away, but we've already sent the infants home with your brother. We'll call and tell him you're okay. While you were unconscious, your brother took care of everything for you. He even gave the babies names."
At this point, the woman gets upset, "Doctor, my brother is an idiot! What name did he give my little girl?" The doctor answered that her name was Denise. "Oh, Denise, that's not so bad. What name did he give my boy?" The doctor answered, "Denephew".

Working on it!

Ok just 6 freakin' years ago I was 190lbs. Now I weight 278lbs. Anybody else think that maybe it's time I get my ass to the gym? Well I have been, working out almost everyday. I try to rest 1 day a week. Hopefully in a few months I will have only one chin not 2. Any got any good recipes and or snack or workout ideas, please share them. I would greatly appreciate it!

Been Away

Ok so I've been away for a while and well nothing much has really changed. I may stop blogging all together. who reads this anyway.

Here's a question.

Where is the strangest place you've ever had sex?

Only in El Chuco

Investigation into plane mechanic's death continuesTammy Fonce-OlivasEl Paso TimesTuesday, January 17, 2006Federal aviation experts and local police today will continue to investigate how an airplane mechanic was sucked into a plane's jet engine and killed Monday in what officials said is a rare occurrence that stunned passengers and employees at El Paso International Airport.The mechanic, whose name was withheld until relatives could be notified, had been working on the plane about 9 a.m. when he was suddenly pulled into the jet engine of a Continental Airlines Boeing 737 bound for Houston."It was a Boeing 737 and it was doing an engine run up for a maintenance problem and a person was sucked into the engine," said Roland Herwig, a spokesman for the Federal Aviation Administration in Oklahoma City.Herwig referred further inquiries to the office of the National Transportation Safety Board in Denver. Officials would not say what kind of maintenance was being performed on the plane.NTSB officials in Denver and Washington, D.C., did not respond, but local airport officials said the federal agency is investigating the death and is sending a team to El Paso.


Martin DeLeon, a Continental Airlines spokesman from Houston who flew to El Paso after learning about the fatality, said the victim worked for one of Continental's suppliers. DeLeon said he did not know the names of the victim or the supplier company.Continental Airlines Chairman and CEO Larry Kellner issued the following statement after learning of the death:"My fellow co-workers and I extend our heartfelt sympathies to the family and friends of the mechanic involved in this tragic event. Continental is coordinating assistance for passengers who need help dealing with this tragedy. Continental's Employee Assistance Program (EAP) team is also flying to El Paso to meet with employees."DeLeon said he did not know if other Continental flights were delayed because of the incident. He also said it was unknown Monday if the airline will alter its safety procedures."Right now, it's still kind of too early to tell since this incident occurred just a few hours ago," DeLeon said. "Our main focus right now is just working with the families (of the victim and passengers) and of course working with local and federal authorities on the investigation."DeLeon said the airline brought a special team to El Paso to help people cope with the incident, find flights and offer whatever services were needed.The plane, which carried 114 passengers and five crew members, was at the gate boarding passengers when the incident occurred.Many of the passengers, who gathered at the Continental Airlines counter after they deplaned, declined to comment because they were overwhelmed by what had just occurred. Many of the passengers were interested in finding out what happened, where their luggage was and how they could book another flight.El Pasoan Patsy Yturralde, who was going to Houston, said she and other passengers were told to leave the plane because "somebody got hurt."She said she didn't see the incident, but quickly caught on to what had happened."It's a sad situation. I feel bad for his family," she said.El Pasoan Carlos Saucedo, who was headed to Atlanta through Houston, said he heard some kind of thump after he boarded the airplane. He said he didn't know what it was."It made the plane shake a bit," he said.Almost immediately after that occurred, passengers were asked to deplane, he said.Pat Abeln, director of aviation for the airport, said airport employees were saddened by the death. There was "a very small number of employees" who witnessed what happened. These employees are being offered support through the airport's employees assistance program, he said."It's had a tough impact on our employees," Abeln said. "In terms of operations and in terms of overall air safety our operations have been fine."Abeln said incidents leading to injuries or deaths of airport employees are "pretty uncommon" at the El Paso airport and at airports worldwide.Abeln couldn't immediately say how many injuries have been reported at the airport this year or in recent years. But he did say Monday's fatality may possibly be the first of its kind at the airport."I cannot recall another incident like this," said Abeln, who has been at the helm of the airport since 1999.Airport employees working Monday could be seen and heard talking about the fatality among themselves, but they declined to make comments when asked.

Had a great birthday

My wife is wonderful, eventhough she was still hurting from surgery she took me out to a great dinner and bought me some tunes for my ipod and other things I wanted. Thanks Hunny!

My cousin took this. Pretty cool huh.

Hot under the collar!

It 80 degrees......IN JANUARY. Now yes we do have mild winters here in Texas but C'mon. Is this the coming of the new Ice Age that the scientist predicted? Is this the end of the world? Or is God messing around with the thermostat ?